The last several months have been hard. It is not your fault, my sweetheart, that you were born amidst sweeping change in our lives, but so it was. Fitting myself into this new life of ours is a bit more challenging that any of us anticipated it would be. For reasons whose specifics are important to neither baby-you nor future-you, I admit that I have, at times during your tiny life, found myself mothering you joylessly. I am so sad to say that, my little love.
Yesterday morning as I was moving you from Changing Time (where I am in charge of amusing you) to Play Time (where you amuse yourself) so that I could complete some household task, something drew me to hunker down with you on the couch for a snuggle, and so I did.
I don't know whether it was your boisterous belly giggles, your slimy baby tongue and fat, dimpled, grinning cheeks blowing raspberries and gumming up my face with complete abandon, or the amused sparkle in your eyes, but I knew at that moment I, your beleaguered old Ima, am the absolute best thing your sweet little heart can imagine. It is clear that you adore me. And I, my little darling, how very much do I adore you! So much that my heart both ached and sang during that unscheduled little playtime together - for those ten minutes, I felt that everything was miraculously right with the world.
There is something incredible about a chest-to chest baby hug. I feel like a fiber far too strong to ever be broken is connecting my heart to yours. As our cuddle time was wrapping up, as cuddles must, when I clutched you to me, you reached behind my neck and twined my hair through your fat little fingers, idly, as if you could not imagine a more perfect arrangement. Neither can I.
No matter how tough things are, my littlest duckling, I want you to know this - I love you with all of me. Even when I seem distant, or am feeling sad, I love you and your brothers with a depth that reaches so much farther than sadness, or fear, or loneliness, or desperation can.
I have not forgotten, will never forget, how much I love you. You should never let your heart be worried about that. All the same, you in your sweetness seemed drawn to give me a little lift, nudge, and reminder. Thank you, my sweet one.
Love,
Ima
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This is such a sweet, sweet post. She will be able to look back on this when she is older. I LOVE these pictures! :)
ReplyDeletevery sweet
love auntie al
Absolutely beautiful! I too, have felt this way...although the baby gurgles and coos are now replaced with older habits, they still do have all of me.
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